The Hidden Gifts of Grief

“After they had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was.¹⁰ When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. ¹¹ On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. ^“(Matthew 2:9-11 NIV)

Christmastime was always full of laughs when this guy was still here. He’d unwrap each gift gingerly. Then, teary-eyed and with a big, gummy smile; he’d look up to the ceiling and exclaim “Thank you, Santa! Gracias, Dios!” I still giggle to think about it. He did that for every present, even a tin of circus peanuts once. Circus peanuts! For him it wasn’t about the gift itself; he was touched by the thought behind it. He never held back on his excitement or his gratitude. For most of us as we get older, that excitement somehow morphs into anxiety and stress over things that really aren’t that important.

Christmas can be a time for nostalgia and reflection. Usually that means remembering loved ones that are no longer with us. The grief seems to hit harder this time of the year. Thinking about my uncle Abby and those of you who’ve lost loved ones; I’ve been reflecting on the hidden gifts that can be found amidst grief.  I realized that I’ve gained far more by having Abby in my life than I’ve lost by his death.  If you can say that about anyone then that certainly is a gift.

The longing for them creates a deeper love. We recall their good character traits much more clearly than the bad. Their true essence becomes more powerful to us than it was when they were right in front of us. Because often, this messy world and our messy lives distract us from seeing the best in people, just like it distracts us from appreciating the wonder of this season.

We spend our lives with this desire to be loved and truly known. When someone dies we get the completed story of who they were on this Earth. Maybe it’s only then that we can understand them deeply enough to write their epilogue. Grief leads us to consider what may come after this life. If we believe in God and Creation, then we must believe that the best is yet to come.  And so a new story can start. If we let this realization sink in, it can be uplifting.

This is not to diminish the feeling of grief. I’m not saying we should force ourselves to be happy or find the “positive side” of death. It can be utterly devastating and far too overwhelming to do any of that. I’m only offering a mustard seed of hope.  Given time, even the tiniest seed can grow into something great. And that is what the first Christmas brought to us; hope in the darkness.

“Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.” (Hebrews 2:14-15 NIV)

Through Jesus we are given grace, forgiveness, and freedom from death. No other gifts can compare to those. It’s important to recognize the unseen gifts in life and, like my uncle, appreciate the material gifts more for the sentiment behind them. Only when our hearts are equipped with hope and gratitude will they be able to withstand the grief that will inevitably come. Sometimes losing someone helps us to recognize these things. Material things that loved ones give us can be representations of their generosity and thoughtfulness, so they are not without value. But it’s what they leave behind in memory that is infinitely more valuable.