Unpacking Grace

I was recently given the assignment to study some scriptures about grace. The aim of this task was to give me a different perspective on rejection and self worth. We all struggle with rejection, but some deal with it better than others. I’m one who handles it poorly. Very poorly. I remember a conversation with a friend who, trying to make me feel better about a particular situation, said she believed that nobody really handles it well. Maybe, but if there’s a best way to handle it, then I want to figure out what it is.

It’s not so much the rejection, but the lack of acceptance and approval. I have this huge and fragile ego that needs stroked from time to time. It’s like this over-inflated balloon floating blissfully and obliviously above the trees. It only takes the tiniest of pricks to deflate it and send it plummeting to the ground. I have been deflated a couple of times by a couple of pricks in my life. But let’s not go there. This is about God’s grace and redemption. We can’t earn redemption by our own merits; only by grace. This is so affirming because, let’s face it, we’re all a mess in some way. It’s possibly the most beautiful tenet of Christianity, but it’s also the hardest selling point. It’s just so difficult to wrap our minds around the fact that we can’t earn salvation. We are loved and saved anyway, despite the mess. I get that, but I don’t always get it. I know it, but I don’t always feel it.

I was skeptical taking on this assignment, but in the interest of personal growth, I took it on wholeheartedly. I figure if I can learn to embrace a more grace-filled life, then I can help anyone else do the same. I got started in the morning, slowly emerging from a cloud of grogginess, I set my bible and coffee mug on the end table. I sat down on my living room couch, and began flipping through the pages. It’s a student ESV Bible with over 1,800 pages. I quickly realized this wouldn’t work. I shut the giant book, grabbed my phone, and googled ‘verses about grace.’ I scrolled through the more than two dozen results. Okay, these are great, I know these verses, I understand the message. But now what? The message just wasn’t connecting to my real life. I searched for sermons from some of my favorite pastors, hoping to gain some insight. One of the lectures advised that we should work towards a more Godly life even if we’ll be saved anyway. If we work on our sins merely to fix some problem in our lives or to gain approval, then the results will short-lived. We should be motivated by the sheer sake of living a more Godly life. We should embrace the goodness. …Or at least try our hardest.

Finally, this was something that resonated. I often use the example of running (huge shock). When I first started to run, my goal was to lose weight. I was 20 and wanted to look cute for the boys. On its own, that wouldn’t have been enough motivation to keep it up for almost 18 years. Along the way I fell in love with the simple fact that running takes discipline. It’s a decision I make every day. I am (more or less) consistently improving. That improvement takes hard work and hard work is its own reward!

It’s all about genuine intention. God wants us to want to grow. But this fallen world is full of obstacles and temptations that get thrown at us at every turn. Life often feels like a five-against-one dodgeball game. That’s why we have grace to cling to and God’s love to shield us. We should appreciate that, but Christianity shouldn’t be just for our comfort. Faith takes work. It takes work to trust and be grateful and be obedient. If you’re anything like me, you struggle all the time.

I guess that’s what brings me to this assignment. Somewhere along the way I’ve learned to measure my self worth by the approval of others. I suppose we all do that to some degree. Being a good friend, a good spouse, a good daughter, a good coworker, a good parent; that’s just everything in this world. It is important to be good to others, but it’s dangerous to grade yourself based on how well you please others. It is human to falter. At some point, you’re going to disappoint and be disappointed. God’s grace tells us that we are enough despite what others believe. This can be incredibly difficult for someone who was raised to be an achiever.

I reflected on these thoughts over lunch later that day. I sized up the two slices of Hawaiian Pizza on my paper plate. It was my 3 year work anniversary and that’s what I’d chosen for my special treat. I get excited for Hawaiian Pizza for sure, but there are some that just don’t care for it. Maybe it’s all just as simple as that. Maybe whether we get chosen for a job or a friendship or a relationship is merely a matter of taste. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. And not one person’s judgement is better than God’s.

I can tell myself that, but it I can’t stop it from hurting. And I’m not sure why. I stared out the window, contemplating, but no answers came. I got back to my desk and examined the clear plexi plaque that I’d recieved that morning. It came in a dressy grey box with a few ‘congratulations’ and high fives from my coworkers, and the sentiment that they were grateful to have me there. I believed that. Still, I felt a little sheepish getting recognition just for being at a job for a certain amount of time. It felt good, though. There’s nothing like knowing that your mere presence is appreciated. It gives you a much better perspective on your own self worth.

It reminds me of those times when my Dad, out of the blue, tells me he’s proud of me. I always look at him, perplexed. “Why?” It’s not like I’m in high school that I can bring home a good report card. “I’m just proud of who you are.” Damn, that just hits me. That’s a lot like God’s love and acceptance. It’s something we may not deserve, but we’re afforded anyway. Sometimes we need someone in our lives to mirror God’s grace for us because it makes it a little easier to comprehend. It also makes me wonder; do I do that enough for others? 

God loves each one of us as part of his creation. And He created each one of us for a special purpose. This should help us to look at the big picture when we’re faced with rejection. Rejection is part of the plan too. And that’s okay, because we’re accepted by the One that matters. We only need to keep working and showing up. Working on our faith and showing up for those that need us and love us. Even if that love is an imperfect love. Because just as we’re given grace by God, we should extend grace to others as often as we can.