Happiness is not something that happens to us. It happens because of who we are. Timothy Keller explains this in his sermon entitled “The Search for Happiness.” I begin with these words in the interest of giving this post a different tone than the last one. As apprehensive as I was to write that one, it met my expectation of being relatable. I do regret, however, that I made it more about running and less about faith; more about me and less about God. I do that in other aspects of my life too, at times. For instance, I said running has improved my life, but it could’ve just as easily destroyed it. I could have turned this healthy joyful habit into an unhealthy obsession. I was once at a point where I found it impossible to skip a day of running. I found myself worrying about what would happen- what kind if person I’d be- if for some reason I could no longer run. It’s a common trap for all of us. We’re really just searching for fulfillment, but we cling so tightly to things that we choke the goodness right out of them. Hard work becomes workaholism, romantic love morphs into toxic relationships, and children develop anxiety disorders under the great expectations of their parents. In his book Counterfeit Gods, Keller sharply points out that we’re trying to fill a “God-shaped hole” in our hearts.
I could write pages and pages about idolatry (mostly based on my own battles). But I’m sure we’ve all had our fill of hearing about struggles these days. This story is about the peace that comes when you let God’s love fill the space that it’s meant to.
The sun was bright and relentless on the afternoon I left Dallas for Pittsburgh. My brother pulled up to the passenger drop-off and I felt that familiar heartsick knot in my stomach. The end of another visit. I hopped out of their SUV, hugged my sister-in-law and opened the back door to peek in on my niece in her car seat.
“Edie, say goodbye to Aunt B!” My brother encouraged. ”
“Bye-bye Annbee!” She smiled wide like she was on the verge of laughter.
“Bye Edie, see you soon!”
I gave her a peck and we both giggled as I shut the door. I walked around to the other side to hug my nephew. I began to lean in when his little leg jutted out. The toe of his electric blue New Balance pressed against the seat back, trying to block my path. His arm went up in a ‘karate chop’ position.
“No Aunt B!”
He’s not always one for the mushy stuff.
“Aww okay buddy, I won’t give you a hug.”
He was joking around a bit, but it was also sort of a defense mechanism. My brother gave me a hug and handed me my back pack.
He reassured me,”He’ll just be sad for a little bit.”
That pierced my heart.
“Bye Cecil, I’ll miss you!”
I looked at his sullen, innocent face thinking; my sweet little boy you never have to protect your heart from me! I love you so much and I will always keep coming back.
The airport doors slid open and I was greeted with a cold blast of AC. It was a welcome relief from the intense heat. I made it to my gate with almost 2 hours left to get food and wander the airport. I walked for a half mile or so, weighing my food options. More so, I was people watching, and contemplating. I was thinking about my nephew. My hope is that he learns to always love genuinely and to never be afraid of getting hurt. Love and pain are inevitable, but both are such beautiful parts of this life. I’ve loved boldly and I’ve loved with fear. Both have led to heartbreak, but only the latter left me with regret. To that point, the more I grow to love God with that authenticity, the more at peace my heart becomes. I can’t tell you how it happens, it just does.
I got to my gate and took a seat by the window. I was enjoying my Starbucks green tea lemonade while listening to “In Search of Happiness” again. Keller opens the sermon with Romans 8:28. “…God works all things for the good of those who love him…” Until recently, I’d been misinterpreting this verse. I thought it meant that if we’re disappointed over something; not getting a job, going through a break up, etc., that God promises a better job or a better person for us. Although that may happen sometimes, that’s not the promise here. I sipped my tea and savored that notion for a moment. The thing is, sometimes disappointment is simply meant to teach us an important lesson. Sometimes suffering can last for a long time and the good that comes from it isn’t what we were hoping for at all. The good comes in the form of resiliency, wisdom, patience, and the opportunity to be more Christ-like. No one suffered more than Jesus. So that’s the promise. This may not be very comforting but it is the truth. If the freedom of this truth doesn’t stoke a fire in your heart, then you’re missing the point.
An announcement over the loudspeaker halted my train of thought. Our gate had changed. I gathered my things and followed the herd as we boarded the shuttle from gate A to gate D. It was so crowded that there weren’t enough poles for everyone to hold onto. I leaned against a nearby bench for support. A lanky young man stood a few feet from me, in the center of the crowd, not able to find support at all. He stood with his feet wide apart, crouching slightly, bracing himself for the shaky ride. I was curious to see if he could keep his balance like that. When the shuttle took off, the poor kid was jostled so hard that I knew he was sure to fall. I stretched out and caught his arm.
“I gotcha!”
I gave a nervous laugh. After a few awkward seconds the shuttle stopped and a large group stepped off. We were both able to find poles. After another few moments the young man struck up a conversation.
“You headed to Pittsburgh?”
“Yep, going back home.”
We continued to chat as we made our way off the shuttle, down the escalator, and finally to our gate where we found two cushy seats. He was David from Uniontown. His dad lives in Dallas so he visits about 4 times a year. He enjoys traveling, and has been to a lot of places for a 15 year old. He was so pleasant and outgoing that I imagined he was well-liked by everyone at his school. He’s in ROTC and plans to join the Army after he graduates.
“So if you had your choice of anywhere in the world to be stationed, where would it be?”
“I just want to be where I’m needed; where the action is. I like the idea of defending people.”
I was surprised by his response. That’s bold sacrifice. And how wonderful that he believes people- strangers like me- are worth defending. I can’t imagine a lot of 15 year olds think that way. But then again, why wouldn’t they; if God’s grace touches our lives and can make us more Christ-like? Jesus died for us and compared to him, we most certainly aren’t worthy.
“I guess we could use more people that think like you.” I told him.
After about 10 minutes his group number was called for boarding and we said our goodbyes and ‘nice- to-meet-yous’. On the plane I had a middle seat in between an off-duty pilot and a gruff, but handsome man in his 40s. He looked like he could’ve been a retired amateur MMA fighter. It was a quiet flight and soon I settled back into my own thoughts. I gazed out the window as day gradually turned into night.
I’m convinced now that sunsets are even more breathtaking from the vantage point of a plane. I sat transfixed by the wide bands of turquoise, lavender, dusty pink, and fiery orange. I sank into my chair and sighed. I think these must be the types of things that God shows us to make us aware of His presence. It was blissfully tranquil, except for the moment when I realized no one else was watching. The pilot was doing paperwork and MMA Guy had his nose in a book. Everyone else was on some electronic device. What’s wrong with you people! You’re missing it, YOU’RE MISSING IT!
But that’s the just the way of the world now. We’re too busy, too distracted with more ‘important’ things. I couldn’t blame them. I’m guilty of being the same way.
I thought of all the foolish ways I’ve tried to find my significance. Running may have been one of the first ways, then it was work, relationships, and even my ‘fierce’ independence. Every time one of these things failed me, I ran back to God. So many times my heart got revved up and then let down. But now that I’m trying to set my heart on the right thing, it’s finally at rest. It’s by the grace of God that I gained this peace. It took experience and hard lessons to get to this point. I am so grateful for every bit of it.
I think about the great love I have for my nieces and nephews. I am confident in the knowledge that I will keep coming back, even if I get karate chopped every once in a while. That’s like God’s love for us. Even if we block him or put him on the back-burner, He’ll come back as long as we’ll have him. And that’s exactly why we should make him our priority. We should be seeking him in the first place, not just when things go wrong. God’s love is not a consolation prize. Nothing should give us a better sense of self-worth than knowing that the Creator of the universe created us for a purpose. We just have to seek out truth in order to find that purpose. And we should follow this path not just to gain His love- we have that anyway- we should do it to show Him our love.
Truth doesn’t change and neither will God’s love. The things of this world disappoint us, God never will. That’s how your heart can remain full of peace, even when it’s hurting. A broken heart is still far better than an empty one. Even through pain we can find joy and wonder in things like the giggle of a child, a beautiful sunset, or a friendly stranger who changes your perspective. It’s these small but powerful ways that God shows us He’s always with us and always has our back.
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