Long Distance Auntie

I read somewhere that distance running is considered to be anything at least 3 miles or more. I’m satisfied with that qualification. I’m not sure that some ultra-marathoners would agree, but I’ll gladly take it. Lately I’ve been content to do 4 miles most mornings before work. And even my long runs aren’t what they used to be. It’s just a matter of time management; if I woke up a little earlier or did more runs after work… The thing is, running doesn’t have the significance in my life that it used to. At one time it signified some sort of change I was making; gaining strength and discipline that I needed. I’ve come to realize that these things will happen whether I run 3 miles a day or 12.

Besides, I rather enjoy the routines of my life. On one hand, I could spend my time more efficiently. Couldn’t we all? On the other hand, I’m perfectly happy with the way I spend my days. I manage to meet all of my adult, real world obligations while having time to myself and also time to spend with the people that are most important to me. I see some friends and family on a weekly basis. Not everyone has the privilege to say that and frankly, what’s better than spending time with the ones you love? That’s why I’ve changed my concept of ‘spending time wisely’. 

I’ve been running for so many years at this point, I feel like much of my life is measured in time and distance. It’s helped me to learn about the unique relationship between the two. It takes time to build speed. Meaning, the more time you spend running, the less time it takes to run certain distances. Time distances us from former versions of ourselves. Time is usually the only thing that puts distance between us and whatever past hurt or failure we are trying to escape. On the converse, the more time we spend with people we love, the less significant any distance between us becomes. This is why my visits to Maryland have been so important. The more time I spend there the less far away it feels. The more time I spend with my niece and nephew the less of their lives I miss.

I remember the first visit after my nephew, Cecil, was born. He was so small and seemed so fragile. I was reluctant to hold him. As I was leaving for home, I gave him a kiss on his fuzzy little coconut head, stepped back and gazed at him peacefully asleep in his bassinet. He was wrapped up tight in his white and blue blanket looking something like a baby Yoda in a burrito. Just then a heart breaking realization washed over me. That would be the last time I would see him looking like that. He was going to grow so much in the time before my next visit. This was a strange sadness I’d never experienced until that moment. I walked to my car trying to process what came over me. I threw my duffel bag into the passenger seat, turned the ignition and felt my eyes well up. This was the first of many drives home in which I spend the first 25 minutes with tear-stained cheeks. By the time I stop for gas and snacks, I enter back into my own world and I’m fine again. If you’re a long distance Auntie or Uncle like I am, you know exactly what all this feels like.

Now that same tiny baby is a sweet, scrappy, overall-wearing 4 year old and a big brother to a giggly little girl with bouncy curls and chipmunk cheeks. When I visit he greets me with a mischievous grin and bounds towards me. “Let’s battle Aunt B!” He immediately starts throwing fake punches at my legs with his miniature fists of fury. This, I’m assuming, is in lieu of a hug. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. Everyone shows love in their own way.

When I found out he was going to have a little sister, I was silently a little worried that I wouldn’t love her as much or that somehow loving her would take away from how much I adored this little guy. I realize now, how short-sighted it was to think that way. What happened instead was that my capacity to love grew. There is no limit to the amount we can love. You can feel like you have a full heart, but there will always be room for more. And so the way I show this love is by showing up as often as I can; making the distance between us disappear and spending time.

They say you make time for what’s important to you. My friend and I had a discussion the other day about whether that is really true. I mean, it seems like a nearly impossible expectation. Nowadays time is just so hard to come by.  We get distracted by busy-ness,we let distance grow, and then time slips away. The tragedy of modern day life. It’s become so difficult to come up with time and energy. Here’s the thing; it is hard. But the most worthwhile endeavors are often the hardest to come by. This is a notion that’s gotten lost in a world of endless options and instant gratification. Sometimes you have to go the distance and put in the effort. It’s not necessarily about traveling long distances. I titled this post that way because it lends a good example in this case and fits into the theme of running. Because running also teaches the value of effort.

People often use the excuse that love and relationships should be easy. They use that as an excuse to bail when things get tough or to get out of putting effort in. Love is easy. It comes from God. But we create the relationships of our lives. As sinful, imperfect creatures, we make it hard on ourselves. Its our own fault! The best we can do is our best. Find time, make time, travel the extra miles, pick up the phone, cook a meal. Find out what someone’s love language is and speak it to them.

Every time I hug those little ones goodbye, I wish for just a split second that I could hold on and keep them this little forever but I know it’s best to let go. We can’t fight time, we can only make the most of it. Love is endless but time is not. When we reach the end of our time here, we won’t be remembered for the miles we put on our feet, but for the moments we created with the ones we loved.