Beautiful Dreamer

Do you sometimes get really bizarre dreams? Dreams so vivid you remember them clearly even years later. Dreams about waterslides, weird animals, random celebrities, and Santa; you wake up wondering, wtf! Some say dreams are the portal to your subconscious. They say you should pay special attention to recurring dreams because they can be a clue to some physical ailment or an unresolved psychological problem. I used to get recurring dreams that I was trying to run- usually towards something- but I could never run fast enough. It felt like I was running the wrong direction on a conveyor belt. I couldn’t quite get my legs to work right. They always made me feel frustrated and helpless.

I suppose one could argue these dreams had something to do with the feeling of not living up to my potential. Maybe they were an indication of my impatience or of the fact that there were many things I experienced later in life than most. A friend informed me once that it was actually just my muscles recouping after being overused. I’m not sure. I don’t get those dreams anymore.

The dreams I love the most are the ones where I get to run through huge open fields. They bring the feeling of freedom and deep contentment. A few years ago, I dreamt that I was in one of these fields when I came upon a fairly steep hill. I trudged up eagerly. It was a gorgeous day- bright, clear, and hot, with a palliative breeze. The green of the grass and the blue of the sky were vibrant. I got to the top and was greeted with a long paved path. The path was lined with majestic trees on either side and rows of multi-colored flowers connecting the tops of the trees, creating arches overhead. I was overwhelmed at the sight of it. I walked through the path until I made it to the other side. I kept on walking, down the right side of the hill. A part of me wanted to stop and stay at the top because I had the feeling that nothing would be as beautiful as what I had just seen. But something drew me towards the bottom. As I made my way down, the sky began to darken, turning to a menacing grey-black. At the bottom of the hill were dozens of deer skeletons and rotting animal carcasses. It looked sort of like the elephant graveyard from The Lion King. My joy vanished. I surveyed the scene, trying to make sense of it all. I woke up before any answers came.

At first, I thought this dream was some sort of metaphor representing my thoughts on Heaven and Hell. But as time wears on, the events of the world seem to spit out at us like debris from a tornado and I find myself reflecting on the beauty and ugliness that we witness here in real life. Things seem to have reached a new level of tragic. Just weeks ago a 17 year-old, a child, lost his life. He was a young man who had dreams of being more than most would expect. But, as if from a nightmare, the very thing he was afraid of happening, happened. It shouldn’t have. And, as a teenager, he shouldn’t have had to ponder the harsh realities of this world in such a profound way. But there it is; not a bad dream, reality. Innocence lost before it’s time. Another dream wiped away.

The ugliness that crept in over the next few days was disheartening to say the least. Social media became a breeding ground for hatred. The comments and sentiments shared were appalling and infuriating. Nothing divides people more than the desire to be “right”. Justice is important, but true justice can’t exist without compassion.

I couldn’t scroll my news feed without getting angry. I wanted to respond to some particularly ignorant comments.  Having a lack of respect for other human beings doesn’t make you funny or cool, it makes you disgusting and pathetic. I was fuming. But I didn’t comment, I wasn’t going to change anyone’s mind. It would’ve only fueled the fire.

I went about my life as usual, trying to understand why or how people think the way they do. This occupied my mind a lot for the next few days. The positive side of it was that it made me a little more patient and a little more likely to say hello to strangers I passed on the street.

I practiced this patience while I was waiting in the long T-shirt line at the Walk for Children’s that following Saturday. It was a about a 30 minute wait, but it was a good chance for people watching and contemplation. There were a lot of cute families with matching outfits and kids with their faces painted. When I finally got my tee, I made my way towards the food trucks scanning the crowd for my friend. I was looking for a thin, pretty, blonde with a soft, sweet voice and an even sweeter demeanor. I found her quickly and we greeted with a hug.

We spent the first few minutes just catching up. We chatted and enjoyed the scenery for most of the walk. We passed the Schenley golf course and I talked about my plans to take up golf. My mind drifted for a few seconds as I imagined what my golf outfits would look like. My thoughts were interrupted by droplets of rain on my arm. My friend opened her umbrella and invited me in. It was white and pink with silhouettes of men in black suits all over it. “It’s raining men; I love it!” I slinked over to huddle underneath the umbrella with her. We were nearing the end of the walk as it began pouring. We paused underneath a tent, deciding on our brunch options. I scanned the crowd again, a flurry of ponchos, strollers, and umbrellas, trying their best to stay dry. It was a diverse group; all ages, races, and walks of life. Everyone coming together to support a good cause. It was uplifting scene and something we needed to see, perhaps now more than ever.

We decided on Dor-Stop for brunch because it was near my friend’s house. We took a shuttle back to my car which was about half a mile away. The shuttle driver was kind enough to offer us a ride even though the parking garage wasn’t on his route. As we were jostled by potholes, I stared out the window, easing into a more peaceful state.

I think we hold the misperception that reality lies somewhere on the spectrum between a great dream and a terrible nightmare. The thing is, we see glimpses of both in our everyday lives. We often try to dissect our dreams, seeking answers, trying to figure out what it all means. This is true for life too. In the pursuit of wisdom, we neglect the beauty of innocence. Wisdom is helpful, but sometimes we need to just be and let the answers unfold in their own time. Although it is also important to be aware that there are evil, ugly parts of the world. This will make us more diligent about trying to find the good in it. And more importantly, it will motivate us to bring the good out in ourselves as much as we can.